And I wondered why I was the only one that seemed to care about the bigger questions. Jealous, and confused, by anyone that looked content on my commute.īusiness people on the phone, talking passionately about a temporary task in a temporary job in a temporary life.įriends meeting in a bar, drinking to make their existence a little more bearable. I would still go to work, although very reluctantly.
#OCD DEPERSONALIZATION FULL#
I felt like I was the only one thinking straight in a world full of zombies. I felt like I was in a world full on zombies I later learned that these were examples of ‘Depersonalization’ and ‘Derealization’. The universe felt like a cage, and I was imprisoned more than a part of it. I would worry about the universe existing before I was born and after I died, as if I was trying to take control of it. Questioning this existence and wondering if it is real or not. I would hate that the universe exists, and that it has always existed. Nothing mattered anymore and what I used to think was important to me was nothing more than a distraction. And knowing I couldn’t answer them gave me a great sense hopelessness and worthlessness, more than I have ever had before. When my body realized there wasn’t an immediate threat to my safety, the anxiety died down.īut these questions were still left unanswered. Is there an end? Where is it? The anxiety eventually turned into depression The worst part was not knowing when the ride would end. I would literally feel the need to hold onto whatever I was nearest to. The realization of us orbiting the sun made my adrenaline to pump. You know when you put a VR headset on and feel every drop during the simulation? You forget it isn’t real because the brain thinks it is. It was like I could feel Earth hurtling through space.
#OCD DEPERSONALIZATION FREE#
I felt like I was on a roller coaster constantly in free fall. There was nothing I could do but accept that this is existence. The problem was, I couldn’t walk away from the edge like I could on a skyscraper. My legs became jelly and overwhelming anxiety overpowered me. But instead of a fear of heights below, I had a fear of the endless expanse above me. I panicked like I suddenly woke up on the edge of a skyscraper. That exact moment of gazing up to the stars brought on a phobia I didn’t know about. I became terrified of the concept of infinity and eternity But I type this in newly found peace and calm, and want you to know it is possible to overcome the worry. Trigger warning: This post may well increase anxiety for anyone suffering this form of OCD. This OCD came and went at 16, 25 and 32 years of age.
Trapped inside the universe, hurtling through the vastness of space not knowing where we are heading. I was 16 years old, burning a fire with friends under the clearest night sky. I remember the exact moment this OCD formed.
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